| I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, | | | | 5. The person "looking for love" is actually looking for |
| probably mid or late 30s and younger. | | | | the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to |
| Usually one reports, "falling out of love" and is truly | | | | him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to |
| disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a | | | | perfect. |
| female problem!) wants to "recapture" those feelings. | | | | 6. This person needs to be adored, or think another |
| This person has found a "significant other" who has | | | | adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner |
| stirred those dormant feelings and this person once | | | | strength and solid identity. The other becomes my |
| again "feels in love." | | | | world, because I lack a world. Being "in love" is the |
| They are determined not to "settle" for a less than an | | | | panacea for my emptiness. |
| ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the | | | | 7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of |
| love feelings. | | | | these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END |
| Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The | | | | the relationship or at least move it to the point where |
| 6 others are outlined in my E-book.) | | | | the attractors become, again, the distracters. The |
| 1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance | | | | idealized images may be held together by long phone |
| novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us | | | | calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc. |
| that this is how it's supposed to be. "Falling in love" is | | | | 8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a "lull" |
| the norm - the implication being, that if it doesn't happen, | | | | in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising |
| or if it goes away, something is wrong - with you, your | | | | children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, |
| spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first | | | | etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance |
| unlearn a great deal. | | | | becomes a foreign word. People are especially |
| 2. The person who was driven to find "that loving | | | | vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are |
| feeling" (reminds me of a song...) usually experiences a | | | | in school and/or the oldest child reaches early |
| high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often | | | | adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a |
| married to a "good" person and the desire to "find that | | | | family systems perspective, but I won't get into that |
| loving feeling" seems selfish (which it is) and immature | | | | here.) |
| (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a | | | | Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of |
| great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at | | | | relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. |
| another level that he/she is not on the right path. | | | | Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for |
| 3. This person usually has a need for drama and | | | | you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his |
| excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. | | | | affair says less about you and much more about the |
| Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense | | | | emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you |
| relationships reigns rather than living life from the core | | | | better. Model for him/her what it means to be a |
| of who one is. | | | | person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with |
| 4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy | | | | values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure |
| models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. | | | | out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe |
| For example, "falling out of love" usually happens when | | | | she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. |
| the attractors become the distracters. For example: | | | | Maybe later. |
| His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially | | | | For more information on the different kinds of affairs, |
| to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, | | | | what causes them, the probabilities of them ending a |
| which drew him initially to her, become control. | | | | marriage and what you can do about it, visit my site. |