| For the past few years, I've been going on the | | | | tears and even sometimes, tears fell. This was all very |
| women's spiritual retreat with our church. I had never | | | | new to me. |
| been on a retreat before a few years ago. The only | | | | Then I decided to go on the women's spiritual retreat |
| other time I voluntarily lived with women was in college | | | | with my church after my son recovered from a health |
| and only then because boys were too messy and | | | | crisis. Little did I know that spiritual retreats are set up |
| smelled funny. | | | | to get you vulnerable, inevitably leading to tears, usually |
| To be perfectly frank, in the past I never liked women | | | | en masse. I cried the entire weekend and I really, really |
| all that much. I usually had only a few close girlfriends | | | | needed it. |
| growing up and the rest were guys. Women were | | | | I had been so strong in my belief that my son would |
| always too emotional, too catty for me. They would | | | | recover and in searching/finding the cure, that there |
| cry easily and I could laugh with the guys. | | | | had been no allowance for tears. I was an old pro at |
| Tears have always made me uncomfortable. I don't | | | | stuffing my feeling from childhood. That survivor had |
| like to cry. Both my parents were coaches, so | | | | stepped back into my life for a while, but fortunately I |
| needless to say tears were frowned upon. If anyone | | | | was able through this circle of women and cleansing |
| started crying in my house, you were sure to ridiculed | | | | tears to regain myself, my adult. As much as I have |
| until the tears were replaced by hot anger. Quickly, I | | | | fought it, tears actually bring release and hopefully |
| learned to stuff all my emotions and found refuge in | | | | peace. |
| humor. | | | | So I was surprised this year, when I was at the retreat |
| In my early twenties, I began uncovering all of those | | | | that I shed no tears. It wasn't for lack of compassion |
| stuffed emotions--rejection, humiliation, anger, hurt, | | | | with the suffering of those around me but I finally |
| desperation, fear, longing, on and on. A list of emotions | | | | discovered the concept of "holding the space." I no |
| we all run from, but never quite stay ahead of. I also | | | | longer had these wounded places that could be |
| found tears. Yuck. Aching, lost tears that would come | | | | triggered by a friend's pain or experience. I was free. |
| pouring out at the movies, while watching soap operas, | | | | I was free to support my weeping friend by just |
| even commercials, the Olympics...It was pitiful. | | | | listening. I did not need to take on her issues. I could be |
| I sought help and worked successfully with an | | | | her witness. She could tell her story without having to |
| excellent counselor. There were lots of tears and | | | | worry about me. It was such an empowering feeling to |
| healing, thus leading to the next phase in my life, | | | | be on the other side. I knew I had finally passed |
| marriage and kids. It was only after "birthin' babies" that | | | | through and released so many of my painful "hooks." |
| I discovered the true value of girlfriends. Girlfriends | | | | Her tears did not make me uncomfortable, they told |
| know your shoes, especially when they are covered in | | | | me of her heart. |
| spit-up and the kids' breakfast. Not only could you | | | | Oh, I know maybe next year I'll go to the retreat, I'll be |
| laugh with your girlfriends, but you could cry too. | | | | telling a painful story and quite possibly be in tears, but |
| I joined a Mommies group after my daughter was born | | | | now, I know tears from every side. I see the many |
| and found a wonderful circle of women. I soon | | | | facets--cleansing, sadness, joy, pain, triumph...all of it. I |
| discovered that if one Mommy started crying, | | | | am grateful to be here, in these new shoes, no longer |
| invariably someone else began sniffling and so on and | | | | covered in spit-up. I am grateful to have a circle of |
| so on. Same went with the babies, one baby cries and | | | | women in my life that allow me to be wherever I am |
| soon there was a roomful wailing. You did not cry | | | | on my journey. Sometimes holding the space, and |
| alone. Many times I would find myself welling up with | | | | sometimes being held. May you find your circle. |