| Twelve is a very mystical number. There
| |
| | our public schools. But there are lots of
|
| are twelve planets in our galaxy, if you
| |
| | other things to be afraid of.
|
| count Earth four times, five if you don't
| |
| | You're 85 years old and afraid that you
|
| consider Pluto to be a planet. There were
| |
| | will not be able to perform with your 22
|
| twelve people (aside from Jesus) at the
| |
| | year old girlfriend? Fortunately, there's
|
| last supper. And there are twelve letters
| |
| | now Viagra that assures an erect penis.
|
| in the name Barry Manilow. So it's no
| |
| | But what happens if your 110 year old
|
| surprise that when Alcoholics Anonymous
| |
| | mother suddenly rings the bell and wants
|
| was trying to come up with a catchy way
| |
| | you and your 22 year old girlfriend to
|
| to get people to stop drinking that they
| |
| | take her food shopping? Can't shop with
|
| came up with a twelve step program. My 12
| |
| | an erection! Someone needs to come up
|
| step program is better than AAs in that
| |
| | with an Unviagra.
|
| they only promise you sobriety. With ours
| |
| | Afraid that global warming will ruin your
|
| you'll make tons of money, and you don't
| |
| | daughter's bat mitzvah? Start selling
|
| even have to be sober. Heck, you don't
| |
| | global warming insurance. But be careful,
|
| even have to follow all twelve steps; you
| |
| | fears are very trendy and easily fall out
|
| should be fine if you follow just one.
| |
| | of favor. Although after the 1995
|
| And if that weren't already enough, if
| |
| | Oklahoma City bombing everyone was afraid
|
| you buy now, I'll throw in an extra step.
| |
| | of our home grown terrorists, they
|
| But please, pay careful attention or you
| |
| | quickly fell out of favor for the foreign
|
| might just only become a billionaire.
| |
| | ones who often have names we can not
|
| Step 1: Make People's Lives Easier
| |
| | pronounce, making them automatically more
|
| This morning, I woke up and immediately
| |
| | scary.
|
| went to the bathroom. But only fifteen
| |
| | Step 6: Help the Rich
|
| years ago, I would have been forced to go
| |
| | My partner Michel regularly goes on
|
| outside to an outhouse. Indoor plumbing
| |
| | business trips where he stays in five
|
| has certainly made your life and mine a
| |
| | star hotels. Last week he suggested that
|
| lot easier and made one or two inventors
| |
| | I come down for a night or two with our
|
| quite wealthy. And yet, I still have to
| |
| | oldest daughter. Since I'm too cheap to
|
| get out of bed to go to the bathroom;
| |
| | ever spend my own money on a luxury
|
| there are still no toilet beds. Invent a
| |
| | hotel, I thought it would be nice and
|
| toilet bed, matching sheets and toilet
| |
| | cost nothing to show my four year how the
|
| paper, and you're on your way to
| |
| | rich live. We took a taxi from the train
|
| trillionairehood.
| |
| | station to the hotel where we were
|
| How can you make your life or the life of
| |
| | greeted by a hotel employee who opened
|
| others easier? I still have to put sugar,
| |
| | the taxi door for us. Since I was not
|
| then milk into my coffee every morning.
| |
| | going to be paying for the hotel, I
|
| And that's not all. Then, I have to stir.
| |
| | thought what the hell, and gave him a
|
| Why hasn't anyone yet invented sugar
| |
| | 25ยข tip. Then there was another employee
|
| milk? Or better yet, why hasn't anyone
| |
| | who opened the hotel door for us. Another
|
| invented a sugar milk spoon that would
| |
| | quarter. A maid came to our room to offer
|
| melt in my coffee as I twirl it around? I
| |
| | to shine my sneakers. As soon as she
|
| would no longer have to spend countless
| |
| | left, someone else was there offering a
|
| seconds looking for my milk and my sugar.
| |
| | big chocolate chip cookie to my daughter.
|
| I'm exhausted before I take my first sip.
| |
| | Within the first fifteen minutes of being
|
| How about a sugar-milk-coffee spoon that
| |
| | at the hotel, my free night at the hotel
|
| would just melt in your mouth. Note to
| |
| | had already cost me $5. I didn't care
|
| self, call Starbucks and see if they're
| |
| | that it was only 3 in the afternoon, I
|
| interesting in going in fifty-fifty on
| |
| | told my daughter to get in her pajamas,
|
| this project with me.
| |
| | we were going to sleep for the night
|
| Step 2: Make the Universe a Better Place
| |
| | while I still had some cash left in my
|
| Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu, more commonly
| |
| | wallet.
|
| known on the street as Mother Teresa,
| |
| | It's costs a lot of money to be rich. So
|
| cared for refugees, the blind, disabled,
| |
| | while the poor don't really need all that
|
| aged, alcoholics, the poor and homeless,
| |
| | much money, the rich do. So any way you
|
| and even those that overused the
| |
| | can help them, I believe that you shall
|
| expression, "as a matter of fact". But
| |
| | be rewarded. When you are a trillionaire,
|
| she never really did much for the rich,
| |
| | remember those billionaires who are less
|
| except perhaps make them feel guilty. So
| |
| | fortunate than you are and try to help.
|
| she died pretty poor. On the other hand,
| |
| | There are lots of young, rich people out
|
| Sir Walter Reeses boldly took two great
| |
| | there that don't really need your love
|
| tastes (chocolate and peanut butter) and
| |
| | but could really use some of your money.
|
| put them into one candy bar: Reese's
| |
| | Step 7: Take Advantage of the Needy
|
| Peanut Butter Cups.
| |
| | The advantage of helping the rich is that
|
| Mother Teresa is up to become a saint,
| |
| | you can charge huge mark-ups like
|
| but Walter got knighted just like Sir
| |
| | 19,000%. But it is difficult to find
|
| Paul McCartney and Sir Elton John. Sirdom
| |
| | people who can afford to spend $38,000
|
| is a lot more financially rewarding than
| |
| | for something that costs you $2 to
|
| sainthood. I digress.
| |
| | produce. You can't charge the needy as
|
| How can you make the universe a better
| |
| | much, but look around you, there are so
|
| place, particularly for the rich? Many
| |
| | many of them. They're everywhere. For
|
| people focus on what the poor don't have;
| |
| | example, the other day I stopped by my
|
| but what about what the rich don't have?
| |
| | parents house while they had some friends
|
| Do they not matter? In Greenwich,
| |
| | over. As I arrived they were talking
|
| Connecticut you can call your next door
| |
| | about Barry Manilow, how gorgeous he is,
|
| neighbor's mother a pedantic endomorph,
| |
| | and how at sixty-three years old, he
|
| but will gang violence ensue as a result?
| |
| | still sings like a twenty year old. O.K.,
|
| Probably not. So some brilliant
| |
| | they were delusional, but they were not
|
| entrepreneur invented Playstation 3 which
| |
| | hurting anybody. And then for some
|
| brings all the fun of livin' in da hood
| |
| | unknown reason, they started talking
|
| to your own home movie theater. And
| |
| | about hip hop, 25 cents, Dr. Drech, Iced
|
| thanks to ingenuous businessmen like Sean
| |
| | Coffee, and Tupac Schomberg. They were
|
| "P. Diddy" Combs, bad boys throughout
| |
| | like deer caught in the glare of some
|
| Connecticut can listen to hip hop music,
| |
| | car's headlights. Someone was going to
|
| dress like gangsta bitches, and play with
| |
| | get him. I left before anyone got hurt.
|
| their X-boxes. Isn't the world a great
| |
| | But on my way home I thought about how
|
| place?
| |
| | wonderful (and profitable) it would be to
|
| Fear not, there's still room for
| |
| | create a book on Explaining Hip Hop to
|
| improvement. The rich still get herniated
| |
| | Jewish Senior Citizens. You could then
|
| discs, indigestion, and have to spend
| |
| | follow up with a book on Explaining
|
| time on the weekends with their whiny
| |
| | Square Dancing to Jewish Senior Citizens
|
| kids. Has anyone come up with a golf bag
| |
| | or Explaining Hard Liquor to Jewish
|
| that is easier to carry from your garage
| |
| | Senior Citizens.
|
| to your car and can play with your kids
| |
| | Step 8: Your Health
|
| while your sipping a martini? Maybe one
| |
| | Whenever I give out advice to people, I
|
| that can get out of your trunk and into
| |
| | like to preface it with the fact that
|
| your garage with a simple verbal command.
| |
| | although I am not "an official
|
| Go out and make the world a better place.
| |
| | psychologist", I did take a course in
|
| For the rich.
| |
| | psychology in high school, and I got an
|
| Step 3: Solve Problems That Don't Really
| |
| | "A" in the class. Self actualization is a
|
| Exist
| |
| | key term and concept that is studied by
|
| There are two types of problems: those
| |
| | us psychologists. Since you probably did
|
| that exist and those that don't exist.
| |
| | not take high school psychology, I'll try
|
| Solving actual problems (or the ones that
| |
| | to keep this simple. Self actualization
|
| actually exist) is difficult, time
| |
| | is the full realization of one's
|
| consuming, depressing, and never
| |
| | potential. So, if you are fat, ugly, and
|
| financially rewarding. Focus on problems
| |
| | stupid, self actualization basically
|
| that don't exist. Some people have a
| |
| | means that you accept yourself for who
|
| difficult time telling the two apart. So
| |
| | you are and will work very hard to reach
|
| let me help.
| |
| | your very limited self potential.
|
| The North Koreans have nuclear weapons
| |
| | Fortunately, most people are totally
|
| but don't have any food. So they tend to
| |
| | unaware of self actualization, and few
|
| wake up cranky. It's just a matter of
| |
| | strive to become it. This is good as
|
| time before they sell a nuclear bomb to a
| |
| | there is no money to be made in a self
|
| group of terrorists that own an all you
| |
| | actualized crowd. Letting people believe
|
| can eat buffet. This is a real problem.
| |
| | that they can be smarter, better looking
|
| The fact that we are all going to die,
| |
| | with little to no effort, now that's
|
| probably as the winner of the next season
| |
| | where the money is. Your nose is too big;
|
| of American Idol is just about to be
| |
| | your penis is too small. But here's a
|
| announced is not only depressing, but who
| |
| | pill that you can take that will change
|
| the hell knows how to solve this problem.
| |
| | all that. And although none of this
|
| Not me.
| |
| | really works, isn't it wonderful that you
|
| The Canadians do not have nuclear
| |
| | are helping people to reach their better
|
| weapons. But they come into our country,
| |
| | potential.
|
| dress like us, eat like us, and take our
| |
| | Step 9: For the Kids
|
| most coveted jobs. People bitch and whine
| |
| | My partner Michel is French, and it's so
|
| about the Mexicans. But Alex Trebek, who
| |
| | difficult to buy anything for him. He's
|
| has 100% full control of what you see on
| |
| | so fussy. If I buy him a sweater, he
|
| Jeopardy, the categories chosen for both
| |
| | wants it be in his size, not mine. If I
|
| Jeopardy and Double Jeopardy, is not
| |
| | buy him music, he wants it to be music he
|
| Mexican; he's Canadian. The late Peter
| |
| | likes. But he likes opera. My kids, like
|
| Jennings who used to always tilt world
| |
| | all kids, love everything. You can take
|
| news to a Canadian perspective would dip
| |
| | two sticks and put it in a box, and as
|
| his Doritos in maple syrup, not
| |
| | long as you tell kids that they are
|
| guacamole. Will & Grace. Grace- Jewish
| |
| | magical sticks, they will love them. Hey,
|
| and originally from New York. But Will-
| |
| | that's not a bad idea for a business! So
|
| Canadian. Not right.
| |
| | while I would suggest shying away from
|
| But there's a solution. Why doesn't
| |
| | selling anything to the French, kids are
|
| someone come up with a line of T- shirts
| |
| | a great market. Forgot to make dinner?
|
| that say, "I'm not Canadian!" Of course,
| |
| | Put out a bag of Doritos. Kids will eat
|
| you would have to show your birth
| |
| | it. The French won't. And although most
|
| certificate in order to get one of the
| |
| | people hate spending money on their
|
| T-shirts. They'd come in all different
| |
| | French, they love spending money on their
|
| colors. There are about six billion
| |
| | kids.
|
| people floating around that are NOT
| |
| | Step 10: Stop the Madness!
|
| Canadian. So the market is pretty big.
| |
| | From Baghdad to Brussels there are
|
| So how can you come up with some problems
| |
| | millions of people dying every day in
|
| that don't really exist? If the truth be
| |
| | religious strife and none of my
|
| known, as it seldom should, my ability to
| |
| | tupperware tops go with the containers.
|
| solve problems that don't exist is just a
| |
| | It's crazy! But I am forced to buy a wide
|
| natural talent that I was born with,
| |
| | range of shapes and sizes as I never know
|
| along with my ability to worry about
| |
| | what leftovers I'll have. The world we
|
| ailments that I don't yet have. This is
| |
| | live in is insane, and there's lots of
|
| not something I learned. So how the hell
| |
| | money to be made as a result. How can you
|
| can I explain to you how to come up with
| |
| | stop all this madness? There's really
|
| your own non-existent problems? Shit,
| |
| | nothing to do about all the people dying
|
| this is a real problem!
| |
| | in religious strife, but I think we can
|
| Step 4: It's Necessary-You Just Don't
| |
| | improve tupperware. Could it be made of a
|
| Realize It Yet!
| |
| | more malleable plastic? Should Tupperware
|
| Do you remember back in the 90s when NBC
| |
| | come in neon colors?
|
| used to call their Thursday night
| |
| | Step 11: Learning
|
| line-up, "Must see TV."? A couple of
| |
| | I've always had a hunger to learn. When I
|
| years before Friends was going off the
| |
| | was eight, I memorized the names of all
|
| air, I wrote to the president of NBC and
| |
| | one hundred and seventy exits of the New
|
| told him to change it to "Please watch
| |
| | Jersey Garden State Parkway. And it payed
|
| TV." We're not promising anything, we're
| |
| | off well. About a month after learning
|
| asking you a favor. Didn't listen to me,
| |
| | this I was down in Florida visiting my
|
| and they lost trillions of dollars in
| |
| | grandmother when two of her friends (a
|
| advertising. Although not everyone can
| |
| | husband and wife) were arguing whether
|
| come up with solutions to problems that
| |
| | the entrance for the New Jersey Turnpike
|
| don't really exist, we all should be able
| |
| | is Exit 129 or 139 off of the Garden
|
| to determine when something is necessary
| |
| | State Parkway. The husband was right
|
| even when we don't realize it yet. The
| |
| | (129), and paid me a dollar for my
|
| key to this is to not live your life in
| |
| | knowledge. I later found out that the
|
| the present. Live in the future. Perhaps
| |
| | wife would have paid me five to have
|
| this is also the way to solve problems
| |
| | lied. But it didn't matter. I realized
|
| that don't really exist.
| |
| | that my knowledge could be profitable and
|
| My daughters are all under five. But I
| |
| | quickly became a consultant to anyone
|
| often worry what if they marry men that I
| |
| | needing to know anything about the right
|
| don't like? Everyone has children so as
| |
| | exit to get off on The Parkway. At the
|
| to have someone to complain to when you
| |
| | same time that I was learning all the
|
| get old. "How come you never come visit
| |
| | exits on The Parkway, my sister memorized
|
| me or how come you only come to visit me
| |
| | the exits of the Turnpike. But there were
|
| once a day or how come nobody has
| |
| | only sixteen of them, and she was never
|
| massaged my feet today? But what if your
| |
| | really able to capitalize on her
|
| future son-in-laws don't know how to
| |
| | knowledge. So make sure to learn
|
| massage feet? I've written up a contract
| |
| | something valuable. If you go to a
|
| that all my daughters have signed that
| |
| | coctail party, someone may ask you who
|
| gives me veto power. I'd be happy to send
| |
| | was the 8th president of the United
|
| you a copy to have your kids sign. Just
| |
| | States (Martin Van Buren), but nobody
|
| send me a check for $586 and a self
| |
| | ever asks who the 8th vice president of
|
| addressed stamped envelope. Don't live
| |
| | the United States, who by the way was
|
| for the day, live for tomorrow. Everyone
| |
| | also Martin Van Buren. I kid you not.
|
| is so focused on what baby boomers are
| |
| | There are no exits on the Garden State
|
| going to want when they are retired and
| |
| | Parkway that make any reference to Martin
|
| no longer working. But what are they
| |
| | Van Buren. I kid you not.
|
| going to want when they are dead and no
| |
| | Step 12: Entertaining the Masses
|
| longer period? Am I the only one who has
| |
| | According to Forbes, Jessica Simpson made
|
| come up with the idea of psychedelic
| |
| | more than 14 million dollars in 2005.
|
| tombstones or being able to be cremated
| |
| | That figure could have been double or
|
| at your death and to be recycled into an
| |
| | even three times that amount if she
|
| incense candle?
| |
| | actually had any talent. Tom Cruise made
|
| Step 5: Defending the Homeland
| |
| | $67 million in the same year. His twin
|
| Who was the greatest businessman of the
| |
| | brother Rush Limbaugh made $30 million.
|
| 20th century? That's right, you guessed
| |
| | If Tom Cruise can maintain his star
|
| it, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. FDR coined
| |
| | status for the next one hundred years, he
|
| the very clever phrase, "There is nothing
| |
| | will have made over 6.7 billion dollars.
|
| to fear but fear itself." Fear sells.
| |
| | It's not a trillion, but if he invests in
|
| Depressions, communist invasions, Nazi's
| |
| | the right infomericials, he can get
|
| taking over Europe. He made people so
| |
| | pretty close. Entertain the masses, and
|
| worried that they didn't know what to buy
| |
| | don't worry if you have any talent. It's
|
| first. Sadly, communism is dead, and the
| |
| | not stopping anyone else.
|
| Nazis have been relegated to just running
| |
| |
|
