| When I was a hormonally-challenged lad of
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| | swimsuits if they so desired (three of
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| eleven or so, the Miss America Pageant
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| | the top five finalists, including the
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| was a very big deal to me. After all, it
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| | winner, Katherine Shindle of Illinois,
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| was the one night of the year when the
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| | did). This was also the first year one
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| network ditched The Partridge Family and
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| | contestant sported a pierced bellybutton
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| Room 222 in favor of beautiful women
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| | ring while another showed off a tattoo.
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| sauntering about in swimsuits. And I
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| | And Miss Mississippi had on shoes, of all
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| would do anything to be able to stay up
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| | things! Can you imagine? And these girls
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| and watch the show. Anything! If Bert
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| | call themselves role models. I don't
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| Parks had needed a kidney to go on, I
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| | think so.All this piercing and tattooing
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| would have gladly given him one of mine,
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| | made me a little nervous. I almost
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| such was my desire to see this remarkable
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| | expected Miss New York to have a hot pink
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| piece of television fare. This was the
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| | Mohawk and a knitting needle through her
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| same desperate need for biological
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| | nose. She didn't, of course, but if she
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| information that drove some boys my age
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| | had it might have made the show more
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| to steal the National Geographic
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| | interesting. Two piece bathing suits or
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| magazines from the dentist's office or
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| | not, this year's show was about as
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| sneak the Sears catalog out to the barn
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| | exciting as watching an egg hatch. The
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| for a little window shopping through the
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| | highlight of the show was when Miss
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| underwear section. I remember the first
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| | Arizona's face started to twitch after
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| time I saw a brassiere in a Sears
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| | smiling non-stop for two hours. Let me
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| catalog. I thought it was some kind of
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| | give you pageant organizers two words of
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| prosthetic device. Yes, to a developing
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| | advice for next year's fiasco: mud
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| young man living in the Alabama sticks in
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| | wrestling.Speaking of the organizers,
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| the late sixties, the Miss America
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| | contest officials went out of their way
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| Pageant was a very big deal, indeed.These
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| | to make it very clear that the Miss
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| days, however, the Miss America Pageant
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| | America Pageant is not a beauty contest.
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| holds about as much appeal to me as a
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| | To the contrary, this is a contest of
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| long car ride with my mother-inlaw. Maybe
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| | intelligence and personality and poise
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| it's because I'm sliding head first into
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| | and charm, designed to promote and
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| forty and the sight of bubbly, toothy,
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| | further the causes of the American woman.
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| bathing beauties just doesn't do much for
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| | The fact that there's a swimsuit
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| me anymore. Like a geriatric Playboy
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| | competition is just coincidental, I
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| Bunny, my turn-ons now include
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| | guess.Besides, they say, the swimsuit
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| uninterrupted nap time and my new
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| | suit competition accounts for only 15% of
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| vibrating Lazy Boy recliner. However, I
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| | the overall score. Miss America is chosen
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| don't think I'm alone when I say that
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| | not for her beauty, but for her brains.
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| Miss America has run her course. She's
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| | Do they really expect us to believe that?
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| become old hat, a tradition whose time
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| | The most intelligent woman wins? Okay,
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| has passed.We live in a time when you can
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| | fine. Let's get rid of that grating
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| have your house cleaned by bikini-clad
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| | talent competition and come up with some
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| maids or have your car washed by
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| | real tests of intelligence.Let's have
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| bikini-clad car washers. We have
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| | Miss South Dakota and Miss Rhode Island
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| Baywatch, the Playboy Channel, NYPD Blue,
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| | play Risk for twelve hours with no
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| Calvin Klein ads, Madonna and, of course,
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| | bathroom break. Let's take Miss Michigan
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| Victoria's Secret, that handy little
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| | out back and have her rebuild the
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| catalog with the black, lacy prosthetic
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| | carburetor on a '63 Pontiac Catalina.
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| devices. What the heck do we need Miss
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| | Let's have Miss California expound on the
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| America for?Last Saturday night marked
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| | theory of quantum physics while trying to
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| the 77th Miss America Pageant and I sat
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| | make a Jacob's Ladder with a piece of
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| through it for old times' sake. Okay, I
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| | string that's too short. Let's have Miss
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| did flip to a rerun of "World's Funniest
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| | Wyoming do the New York Times crossword
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| Surgical Bloopers" during the talent
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| | puzzle in ink! Let's have Miss Kentucky
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| competition, but that's only because
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| | balance my checkbook!Of course, they'll
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| classical piano, opera and badly sung
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| | have to do all these things while wearing
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| show tunes have been known to induce
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| | swimsuits.This is, after all, Miss
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| cranial bleeding in men my age. Can't be
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| | America.From "Small Business Q&A" With
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| too careful, you know.The Pageant's theme
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| | Tim Knox
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| this year was "Everything Old Is New
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| | Tim Knox is a nationally-known
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| Again." I guess the "New" claim is in
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| | entrepreneur, author, speaker, and radio
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| light of the fact that this was a year of
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| | show host.
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| firsts. For example, this was the first
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| | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs
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| year contestants could wear two piece
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| | realize their business dreams.
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