| When I was a hormonally-challenged lad of eleven or | | | | wear two piece swimsuits if they so desired (three of |
| so, the Miss America Pageant was a very big deal to | | | | the top five finalists, including the winner, Katherine |
| me. After all, it was the one night of the year when the | | | | Shindle of Illinois, did). This was also the first year one |
| network ditched The Partridge Family and Room 222 | | | | contestant sported a pierced bellybutton ring while |
| in favor of beautiful women sauntering about in | | | | another showed off a tattoo. And Miss Mississippi had |
| swimsuits. And I would do anything to be able to stay | | | | on shoes, of all things! Can you imagine? And these |
| up and watch the show. Anything! If Bert Parks had | | | | girls call themselves role models. I don't think so.All this |
| needed a kidney to go on, I would have gladly given | | | | piercing and tattooing made me a little nervous. I almost |
| him one of mine, such was my desire to see this | | | | expected Miss New York to have a hot pink Mohawk |
| remarkable piece of television fare. This was the | | | | and a knitting needle through her nose. She didn't, of |
| same desperate need for biological information that | | | | course, but if she had it might have made the show |
| drove some boys my age to steal the National | | | | more interesting. Two piece bathing suits or not, this |
| Geographic magazines from the dentist's office or | | | | year's show was about as exciting as watching an |
| sneak the Sears catalog out to the barn for a little | | | | egg hatch. The highlight of the show was when Miss |
| window shopping through the underwear section. I | | | | Arizona's face started to twitch after smiling non-stop |
| remember the first time I saw a brassiere in a Sears | | | | for two hours. Let me give you pageant organizers |
| catalog. I thought it was some kind of prosthetic | | | | two words of advice for next year's fiasco: mud |
| device. Yes, to a developing young man living in the | | | | wrestling.Speaking of the organizers, contest officials |
| Alabama sticks in the late sixties, the Miss America | | | | went out of their way to make it very clear that the |
| Pageant was a very big deal, indeed.These days, | | | | Miss America Pageant is not a beauty contest. To the |
| however, the Miss America Pageant holds about as | | | | contrary, this is a contest of intelligence and personality |
| much appeal to me as a long car ride with my | | | | and poise and charm, designed to promote and further |
| mother-inlaw. Maybe it's because I'm sliding head first | | | | the causes of the American woman. The fact that |
| into forty and the sight of bubbly, toothy, bathing | | | | there's a swimsuit competition is just coincidental, I |
| beauties just doesn't do much for me anymore. Like a | | | | guess.Besides, they say, the swimsuit suit competition |
| geriatric Playboy Bunny, my turn-ons now include | | | | accounts for only 15% of the overall score. Miss |
| uninterrupted nap time and my new vibrating Lazy Boy | | | | America is chosen not for her beauty, but for her |
| recliner. However, I don't think I'm alone when I say that | | | | brains. Do they really expect us to believe that? The |
| Miss America has run her course. She's become old | | | | most intelligent woman wins? Okay, fine. Let's get rid |
| hat, a tradition whose time has passed.We live in a | | | | of that grating talent competition and come up with |
| time when you can have your house cleaned by | | | | some real tests of intelligence.Let's have Miss South |
| bikini-clad maids or have your car washed by bikini-clad | | | | Dakota and Miss Rhode Island play Risk for twelve |
| car washers. We have Baywatch, the Playboy | | | | hours with no bathroom break. Let's take Miss |
| Channel, NYPD Blue, Calvin Klein ads, Madonna and, of | | | | Michigan out back and have her rebuild the carburetor |
| course, Victoria's Secret, that handy little catalog with | | | | on a '63 Pontiac Catalina. Let's have Miss California |
| the black, lacy prosthetic devices. What the heck do | | | | expound on the theory of quantum physics while trying |
| we need Miss America for?Last Saturday night | | | | to make a Jacob's Ladder with a piece of string that's |
| marked the 77th Miss America Pageant and I sat | | | | too short. Let's have Miss Wyoming do the New York |
| through it for old times' sake. Okay, I did flip to a rerun | | | | Times crossword puzzle in ink! Let's have Miss |
| of "World's Funniest Surgical Bloopers" during the talent | | | | Kentucky balance my checkbook!Of course, they'll |
| competition, but that's only because classical piano, | | | | have to do all these things while wearing |
| opera and badly sung show tunes have been known | | | | swimsuits.This is, after all, Miss America.From "Small |
| to induce cranial bleeding in men my age. Can't be too | | | | Business Q&A" With Tim Knox |
| careful, you know.The Pageant's theme this year was | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, author, |
| "Everything Old Is New Again." I guess the "New" claim | | | | speaker, and radio show host. |
| is in light of the fact that this was a year of firsts. For | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs realize |
| example, this was the first year contestants could | | | | their business dreams. |