| When I was a hormonally-challenged lad of | | | | desired (three of the top five finalists, |
| eleven or so, the Miss America Pageant was a | | | | including the winner, Katherine Shindle of |
| very big deal to me. After all, it was the | | | | Illinois, did). This was also the first year |
| one night of the year when the network | | | | one contestant sported a pierced bellybutton |
| ditched The Partridge Family and Room 222 in | | | | ring while another showed off a tattoo. And |
| favor of beautiful women sauntering about in | | | | Miss Mississippi had on shoes, of all things! |
| swimsuits. And I would do anything to be able | | | | Can you imagine? And these girls call |
| to stay up and watch the show. Anything! If | | | | themselves role models. I don't think so.All |
| Bert Parks had needed a kidney to go on, I | | | | this piercing and tattooing made me a little |
| would have gladly given him one of mine, such | | | | nervous. I almost expected Miss New York to |
| was my desire to see this remarkable piece of | | | | have a hot pink Mohawk and a knitting needle |
| television fare. This was the same desperate | | | | through her nose. She didn't, of course, but |
| need for biological information that drove | | | | if she had it might have made the show more |
| some boys my age to steal the National | | | | interesting. Two piece bathing suits or not, |
| Geographic magazines from the dentist's | | | | this year's show was about as exciting as |
| office or sneak the Sears catalog out to the | | | | watching an egg hatch. The highlight of the |
| barn for a little window shopping through the | | | | show was when Miss Arizona's face started to |
| underwear section. I remember the first time | | | | twitch after smiling non-stop for two hours. |
| I saw a brassiere in a Sears catalog. I | | | | Let me give you pageant organizers two words |
| thought it was some kind of prosthetic | | | | of advice for next year's fiasco: mud |
| device. Yes, to a developing young man living | | | | wrestling.Speaking of the organizers, contest |
| in the Alabama sticks in the late sixties, | | | | officials went out of their way to make it |
| the Miss America Pageant was a very big deal, | | | | very clear that the Miss America Pageant is |
| indeed.These days, however, the Miss America | | | | not a beauty contest. To the contrary, this |
| Pageant holds about as much appeal to me as a | | | | is a contest of intelligence and personality |
| long car ride with my mother-inlaw. Maybe | | | | and poise and charm, designed to promote and |
| it's because I'm sliding head first into | | | | further the causes of the American woman. The |
| forty and the sight of bubbly, toothy, | | | | fact that there's a swimsuit competition is |
| bathing beauties just doesn't do much for me | | | | just coincidental, I guess.Besides, they say, |
| anymore. Like a geriatric Playboy Bunny, my | | | | the swimsuit suit competition accounts for |
| turn-ons now include uninterrupted nap time | | | | only 15% of the overall score. Miss America |
| and my new vibrating Lazy Boy recliner. | | | | is chosen not for her beauty, but for her |
| However, I don't think I'm alone when I say | | | | brains. Do they really expect us to believe |
| that Miss America has run her course. She's | | | | that? The most intelligent woman wins? Okay, |
| become old hat, a tradition whose time has | | | | fine. Let's get rid of that grating talent |
| passed.We live in a time when you can have | | | | competition and come up with some real tests |
| your house cleaned by bikini-clad maids or | | | | of intelligence.Let's have Miss South Dakota |
| have your car washed by bikini-clad car | | | | and Miss Rhode Island play Risk for twelve |
| washers. We have Baywatch, the Playboy | | | | hours with no bathroom break. Let's take Miss |
| Channel, NYPD Blue, Calvin Klein ads, Madonna | | | | Michigan out back and have her rebuild the |
| and, of course, Victoria's Secret, that handy | | | | carburetor on a '63 Pontiac Catalina. Let's |
| little catalog with the black, lacy | | | | have Miss California expound on the theory of |
| prosthetic devices. What the heck do we need | | | | quantum physics while trying to make a |
| Miss America for?Last Saturday night marked | | | | Jacob's Ladder with a piece of string that's |
| the 77th Miss America Pageant and I sat | | | | too short. Let's have Miss Wyoming do the New |
| through it for old times' sake. Okay, I did | | | | York Times crossword puzzle in ink! Let's |
| flip to a rerun of "World's Funniest Surgical | | | | have Miss Kentucky balance my checkbook!Of |
| Bloopers" during the talent competition, but | | | | course, they'll have to do all these things |
| that's only because classical piano, opera | | | | while wearing swimsuits.This is, after all, |
| and badly sung show tunes have been known to | | | | Miss America.From "Small Business Q&A" With |
| induce cranial bleeding in men my age. Can't | | | | Tim Knox |
| be too careful, you know.The Pageant's theme | | | | |
| this year was "Everything Old Is New Again." | | | | Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur, |
| I guess the "New" claim is in light of the | | | | author, speaker, and radio show host. |
| fact that this was a year of firsts. For | | | | |
| example, this was the first year contestants | | | | Tim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs |
| could wear two piece swimsuits if they so | | | | realize their business dreams. |