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The Dust Settles On Miss America

When I was a hormonally-challenged lad ofdesired (three of the top five finalists,
eleven or so, the Miss America Pageant was aincluding the winner, Katherine Shindle of
very big deal to me. After all, it was theIllinois, did). This was also the first year
one night of the year when the networkone contestant sported a pierced bellybutton
ditched The Partridge Family and Room 222 inring while another showed off a tattoo. And
favor of beautiful women sauntering about inMiss Mississippi had on shoes, of all things!
swimsuits. And I would do anything to be ableCan you imagine? And these girls call
to stay up and watch the show. Anything! Ifthemselves role models. I don't think so.All
Bert Parks had needed a kidney to go on, Ithis piercing and tattooing made me a little
would have gladly given him one of mine, suchnervous. I almost expected Miss New York to
was my desire to see this remarkable piece ofhave a hot pink Mohawk and a knitting needle
television fare. This was the same desperatethrough her nose. She didn't, of course, but
need for biological information that droveif she had it might have made the show more
some boys my age to steal the Nationalinteresting. Two piece bathing suits or not,
Geographic magazines from the dentist'sthis year's show was about as exciting as
office or sneak the Sears catalog out to thewatching an egg hatch. The highlight of the
barn for a little window shopping through theshow was when Miss Arizona's face started to
underwear section. I remember the first timetwitch after smiling non-stop for two hours.
I saw a brassiere in a Sears catalog. ILet me give you pageant organizers two words
thought it was some kind of prostheticof advice for next year's fiasco: mud
device. Yes, to a developing young man livingwrestling.Speaking of the organizers, contest
in the Alabama sticks in the late sixties,officials went out of their way to make it
the Miss America Pageant was a very big deal,very clear that the Miss America Pageant is
indeed.These days, however, the Miss Americanot a beauty contest. To the contrary, this
Pageant holds about as much appeal to me as ais a contest of intelligence and personality
long car ride with my mother-inlaw. Maybeand poise and charm, designed to promote and
it's because I'm sliding head first intofurther the causes of the American woman. The
forty and the sight of bubbly, toothy,fact that there's a swimsuit competition is
bathing beauties just doesn't do much for mejust coincidental, I guess.Besides, they say,
anymore. Like a geriatric Playboy Bunny, mythe swimsuit suit competition accounts for
turn-ons now include uninterrupted nap timeonly 15% of the overall score. Miss America
and my new vibrating Lazy Boy recliner.is chosen not for her beauty, but for her
However, I don't think I'm alone when I saybrains. Do they really expect us to believe
that Miss America has run her course. She'sthat? The most intelligent woman wins? Okay,
become old hat, a tradition whose time hasfine. Let's get rid of that grating talent
passed.We live in a time when you can havecompetition and come up with some real tests
your house cleaned by bikini-clad maids orof intelligence.Let's have Miss South Dakota
have your car washed by bikini-clad carand Miss Rhode Island play Risk for twelve
washers. We have Baywatch, the Playboyhours with no bathroom break. Let's take Miss
Channel, NYPD Blue, Calvin Klein ads, MadonnaMichigan out back and have her rebuild the
and, of course, Victoria's Secret, that handycarburetor on a '63 Pontiac Catalina. Let's
little catalog with the black, lacyhave Miss California expound on the theory of
prosthetic devices. What the heck do we needquantum physics while trying to make a
Miss America for?Last Saturday night markedJacob's Ladder with a piece of string that's
the 77th Miss America Pageant and I sattoo short. Let's have Miss Wyoming do the New
through it for old times' sake. Okay, I didYork Times crossword puzzle in ink! Let's
flip to a rerun of "World's Funniest Surgicalhave Miss Kentucky balance my checkbook!Of
Bloopers" during the talent competition, butcourse, they'll have to do all these things
that's only because classical piano, operawhile wearing swimsuits.This is, after all,
and badly sung show tunes have been known toMiss America.From "Small Business Q&A" With
induce cranial bleeding in men my age. Can'tTim  Knox
be too careful, you know.The Pageant's theme
this year was "Everything Old Is New Again."Tim Knox is a nationally-known entrepreneur,
I guess the "New" claim is in light of theauthor,  speaker,  and  radio  show  host.
fact that this was a year of firsts. For
example, this was the first year contestantsTim has helped hundreds of entrepreneurs
could wear two piece swimsuits if they sorealize their business dreams.



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